When Saying No Seems Too Hard
This post is the culmination of many people around me, including myself, who have found it hard to say “NO”.
All we wanna do is live authentic lives–doing what we want, saying what we want and showing up as we want. It’s difficult to do consistently, and most don’t do it where we fear loss.
The specter of disappointing others can bind us to hell. We say “yes” when every inch of our being wants to scream, “NO!”
Guilt plays a huge factor. We go along, to get along as we fear we might hurt someone by not giving them what they want.
Our perceived value is directly tied to the situations we find ourselves in. By saying yes, when we mean no, or believing it’s as good as it gets for us, we’re saying we have no value. By the way it’s a whole series of “yes’s” not just one that lead us to this crossroads. Better to settle than to risk in the unknown where we might end up alone, broke, a failure or some manifestation of fear.
When we embrace our value and confidence, connected to our life affirming beliefs, it means we carry faith. What we truly want is achievable, and we’re less willing to say “yes” when we really mean “no.”
We may struggle with “Am I good enough or worthy of… fill in the blank?“ coupled with feeling heaviness inside. It causes us to cling, not wanting to upset the apple cart.
If we disappoint or hurt others, they may stop asking us to come out and play.
In saying “no,” they may feel we’ve slighted them, and they blame us; then we feel responsible for their emotional well-being (forgetting our own). Others may guilt trip us into what they believe is best, BASED on their own experiences. Most advice comes from the success or failure others have experienced, which actually says nothing of what our experience could be.
Basing our decisions on outside factors makes us lose, especially if we’re not honest with ourselves.
If you say yes to a job you don’t want, as you fight the urge to run in the other direction, just be truthful. You’re probably afraid if you don’t take it, another won’t come along. Our conditioning says there’s scarcity of opportunity; proven by a long or arduous search. Someone FINALLY recognizes your value and you jump. What if no other employer gives you a better opportunity? Better take it now!
It takes commitment to have freedom daily.
We feel pulled by obligations, imagined or real, and we pile it on by having to do what we don’t want to do.
I’ve failed and succeeded in a variety of ways: a relationship, job, my own business or even choosing a restaurant. When I do something which may cause a ruffle outside of me, it doesn’t compare to the one inside by going against myself.
When saying “yes” hurts us, we look to build a case. We find flaws in the other person and get angry, focusing on them as the issue instead of taking responsibility for our painful decision.
Be in the driver’s seat because in the end, you’re the one who has to live with your choices.
Some of us would rather fall on our sword rather than suffer from the idea of guilt, selfishness, or a horrible outcome. Saying “yes” at those times is saying “yes” to lack and limitation through not having faith in our decision to choose ourselves.