When A Relationship No Longer Serves You
We have this inner need to LOVE because that is what we are. We are divine beings and expressions of LOVE. Sometimes we meet people who we so desperately want to love, but come to figure out there is something not quite clicking. Something not quite right. And we begin to drag out a relationship in hopes that our illusion will manifest into reality and our partner will change. Or we make excuses that “it’s not so bad.” Or my personal favorite, the grass isn’t always greener.
I grew up with a sort of scarcity mindset, that “good men” were hard to come by and so you hold on for dear life to the ones who are “good.” I also held the exact opposite mindset of “they are replaceable.” You can only imagine what my dating life has been. First the idea that I can’t let go, and then the new idea that they can all be replaced. So am I working through the relationship, or am I simply replacing it? Yeah, this is the confusion I have battled for a long time.
While I am no relationship expert, what I have come to figure out along the way is this: when you abandon yourself in order to be loved by someone else, you set yourself up for pain and suffering. End of story. I know this so well that my heart is beginning to pound even as I write it.
How do you know if you have abandoned yourself? You need your partner’s “approval” to feel good about yourself; you get anxiety when they don’t respond to your call or text message within a certain time frame; you go along with what they want in order to keep the peace and maintain the status quo; you stop communicating openly about your feelings because you’re too disconnected from yourself to know what is real anymore.
This really is no place to live. And yet… we do it FAR MORE than we should.
What is the real benefit of staying in a relationship that no longer serves you, and what is the cost?
The benefits of staying is that you don’t have to disrupt your routine. Maybe they provide certain things for you like “stability” or “safety.” Maybe they are fulfilling certain needs while leaving others out, (but who cares about the other ones, right)? Maybe you can’t fathom the idea of being alone so you would rather feel alone than be physically alone (hell, that’s what you have friends for). Maybe a part of you feels like you need them in order to maintain your illusion that you’re not such a bad person after all, because all you’re doing is racking up a tab of guilt about why you want to go and yet you can’t bring yourself to do it. Maybe you’re afraid of what you don’t know, as about what will happen next. What will your life look like? Maybe you’re worried about what people may think; what your partner will think.
Another subtle benefit is accountability. If you don’t show up in a BIG way, and perhaps point the finger inward and recognize the validity of your own needs, then you don’t need to be accountable for all the ways in which your relationship is wrong for you. This allows your life to continue its stroll, never changing and never causing any waves in either direction.
Again, it’s a comfort thing. We are so attached to our comfort and our pain that we simply DO NOT get out of our own way.
In other words, we can sit here, crying and complaining, saying we want change and want to do things differently. While that’s one part of the equation, it still doesn’t mean you will do ANYTHING about any of it. We are comfortable in our problems. Our problems validate our core beliefs which are way more rigid than a simple lie we told ourselves to get by in the moment.
When you believe at your core that maybe you don’t deserve love, or you’re not worthy, you clearly start accepting into your life varying degrees of situations and people who will indeed reflect that back to you, no matter what you may intellectually think or want. This is how powerful a fundamental belief is. It sabotages all your best intentions and goes to show how the work and the relationship with yourself must come from you first. You cannot possibly commit to a loving, healthy, evolving relationship with anyone if you cannot first commit to that same love and growth in yourself.
You don’t need to live this programming a day longer than you have been if you would take a deep breath, and really dig into yourself to ask some probing, honesty-seeking questions.
Are you growing and evolving as a couple?
Do you support each other’s vision of the future?
Do you communicate openly and lovingly?
Your head will sometimes trick you, but your heart never lies. Your head will make excuses for why you should stay. Your head will justify why all the actions you feel can’t possibly be what you want or need.
When the purpose of a relationship is to love and evolve and work through and hold each other, you will know you have the right one for you. A teacher I have been following for some time now, Kute Blackson, has said that sometimes a bigger love is needed to serve the highest good of yourself and the other person by leaving the form of the relationship so that you may both be open to receiving the love you so equally deserve and desire.
With that said, are you in a relationship that no longer serves you? What are you willing to do right now to take action towards the love you see for yourself?
Join me on Tracy’s radio show, September 15, 2015 to discuss this topic more in depth!