Want Real Love? Get Out of Your Own Way.
All of our issues begin and end with ourselves.
Many of us want to place our entire focus on the other person, what they do right or wrong. Whether it’s a first date or a long term relationship, we believe if the other person would just stop or start to do something, all problems will be solved.
It reminds me of every time a new law is made, people think they have solved all the issues, but new ones crop up, almost immediately.
Love has absolutely nothing to do with someone acting in accordance with our idea of who they should be.
The human condition is not consistent. Life is inconsistent, so when looking outside of oneself for the responsibility in how things are we become powerless.
If we want real love, it’s been said several times, we must be love. Hard to do 24/7, but if we can practice it just a bit, we will create different relationship dynamics.
If we enter a relationship lacking self-awareness, thinking it’s the outside world, or the person rescuing us as our prince or princess charming, then eventually….we’ll blame them for all that doesn’t work. We may even delude ourselves into thinking all is okay when our communication with the other is not truthful.
Keeping up a pretense is never the road to love.
If we come out of a relationship blaming the other person for their ineptitude in some capacity, for its downfall, we need to take a deep look within and ask where we did NOT speak our truth, ACT in our truth or made CHOICES against our truth. If we do not do this, we will bring the past forward and have more relationships lacking love.
If we don’t have boundaries, which respect us first….our mate will not respect us.
Expectations, in which someone must fulfill us will lead to disappointment. No one can reach inside of us and heal our pain. Only we can and it’s our perception, which keeps us there. Love doesn’t mean fixing someone else; it’s impossible.
If we’re treated in a way we don’t like, it’s our responsibility if we choose to remain in that ‘position’……
“By taking no action or staying silent (waiting for someone to get it or playing the martyr–so there’s ammunition to beat him or her up with) then where’s the love?” It’s a game of victimhood.
In speaking our truth about how we wish to be treated (this is NOT a demand), we MUST treat ourselves in this respectful manner.
Let’s say our mate is always late, do we derive some pleasure out of it, because we know we can use it against them or guilt them into acting a certain way toward us? While also stewing on the frustration of waiting or the anger/hurt of feeling our time not valued? All of this is about ourselves THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.
We aren’t respecting or taking care of ourselves by playing victim, love is nowhere in sight and inevitably when we play victim/martyr, they will further disrespect us.
Some may argue to take any action means we’re trying to teach this person a lesson. Not true.
In speaking our truth, about him/her being late, while setting clear boundaries, “I will only wait 15 minutes, because I have to take care of myself and I don’t want to be angry,” and following those spoken words with action…we may feel odd at first–perhaps guilty, but we’ll end up feeling good, because we got out of our way, regardless of what the other person chooses to do. When our actions don’t punish the other person, because our happiness is the focus (not them), it will eventually lead to a choice point.
The choice point means, if the treatment we receive isn’t to our liking and we’re taking care of ourselves, we decide if we want to remain. This is not a reaction or a lesson to the other person, it’s deciding we want to have someone treat us, as well as we treat ourselves.
We cannot coerce someone to do our bidding, nor can any guilt trip continuously control the other person. They’ll fall off the wagon, if they’re just pleasing us to stop our complaining, or keep us around…..and then we’re stuck in the vicious cycle.
It’s always about ourselves, our happiness is our concern….and if we’re paying attention to self-love by setting boundaries, being clear about our actions and words, so they match our truth, then we’ll find our focus is not on changing the other person to suit us. It’s about loving ourselves and them, rather than manipulation and anger, whether we remain or go. And with that love, we make better choices.