Victoria’s Journey: BEING LOVED; LOVING MY BEAU even when my Personal Behavior is depleting him.
As a young girl I felt love if I was getting my way. If I was disappointed or disappointed someone, I would feel and believe I was then not loved.
Years ago, I was married and had not possessed the standard for myself to expect and deserve “partnership.” I was the breadwinner, carrying the financial load. I became driven for success and was put in the position to over compensate, because my husband was not concerned with providing for our family, he was content to just “get by.”
During my marriage, I was conditioned to build up resentment and wait until it came to a head, before I spoke my piece and asked for partnership. I thought it was a given when we adults got into a relationship that we were equal partners. I expected that we would both just know how to interact, honor one another and be partners, because we chose to marry.
After my divorce, I still did not experience any relationship that had maturity and a common desire to build together. A commitment was not present to rely or be relied upon as a partner. My adult relationships all lead to the same place, frustration and break up. I started to realize ALL things I needed, wanted and deserved had to come from one source first and foremost…MYSELF.
This realization did not happen overnight. I know the journey had started several years ago, and is still on-going in the present and into the future. I did realize along the way, that I had to KNOW what it meant to be TRUE, to be RELIABLE, to hold in my heart and mind the details of what it is to be LOVE and to MIRROR Partnership.
I took several steps within myself, my environment, and the way I lived daily, acting and then living…AS IF. I began to focus on what I knew for ME was LOVE and PARTNERSHIP.
One day, I realized I recognized this concept already; it had lived in someone that I knew when I was a young girl…16. I had “dated” this young man for a short time. I did not realize at the time, that the eyes I looked into, is where I saw the Universe; those arms that held me and gave me a sense of comfort and “home”; that heart which reached into mine and made mine dance; his mind that challenged my own mind enough to push me forth and played enough to be of comfort; would result in the SOUL that lingered within my realm for over 2 decades. I remembered and recognized that this person matched me as yin and yang...that at my Worst I was okay, and at my Best I was Better.
I sought this friend out.
We corresponded for almost a year; our first date was the beginning of the last year and a half of our Partnership. We’ve had many unexpected situations thrust upon us; from heart-wrenching to financial hardship. External disruptions that we EACH discuss, examine, work through, triumph and ultimately come together to the center of our home, which is…LOVE.
We both have learned over our own past experiences, that it first comes from ourselves, then we share and partner the rest with one another.
Just the other morning, after he was over-worked, hours past exhaustion, I expected when I woke to see a weary and withdrawn face. I slowly walked out of our bedroom, into our kitchen and I saw his eyes twinkling; his smile sparkling at me. After the past year and a half of the circumstances we have dealt with, another couple may have chosen to run in opposite directions. I woke to see his soul dancing and the 16 year old boy I fell for 26 years ago. I saw WHY I had FALLEN for this young man so long ago.
It is only NOW in my own maturation, in my own growth and honesty with myself, that I could truly see what this MAN brings to me and that it is my responsibility to honor.
When things get tough, I remember that I had traveled through my past experiences to be here. This is exactly what I sought for myself. It is what each exercise and mindful practice brought me…I manifested being with this man. I pictured him, I recalled his qualities-good and not so good, I remembered WHO I was able to be when I was with him. Now that he is in my life; we share our lives; each day is a testimony to WEALTH of MIND, SOUL and HEART.
This is one of my most valuable investments my life experience has allowed me…THANK YOU UNIVERSE for bringing me to the maturity and the knowing HOW to BE and to ASK for PARTNERSHIP!