Most of us live in stories.
Heck, as human beings, we love a good story! One we relate to in some fashion, whether it’s our own experiences or something fantastical, making the impossible appear real.
The issue with the stories we tell ourselves is their limitations. We may not dare to stretch beyond the confines of it because it’s scary, or we feel unworthy or somehow undeserving.
And we stay stuck.
I had a multi-nuanced stuck story around dating, just like most of the b.s. we feed ourselves.
I always thought I was different, a bit odd, hard to love. In contrast, even though I was weird, I was special and unique. For years I thought I was perfect (measured in what I gave to others–not because I believed I was amazing), but on the other hand, I felt I was easily discarded.
All this contradiction came from my self-evaluation. My story stemmed from a place of unworthiness, judging myself harshly (as I used to do) and holding everyone and everything to a crazy-ass expectation!
Can you relate?
I had an epiphany around dating: People meet you exactly where you are with yourself.
I saw myself on an old first date. I was engaging, nice, interacting (Hell, I was in sales for years. I know what to ask!) and usually asked out on a second date. It was my goal: Make it so they like me and then I’ll hook em’!
Hahahahaha.. I laugh at this image now. I sure wasn’t honest back then!
The b.s. part is that I could show up as emotionally unavailable (exactly where I was), and lo’ and behold, after the guy was done chasing me, I found out he was emotionally unavailable too! What a surprise! Not.
That epiphany hit home on a very deep level. People meet you exactly where you are, so the next time you want to finger point, put your finger back in your pocket.
My story was based in fear.
The fear of engulfment, rejection, losing independence, not believing I was lovable and so on. Lying kept me stuck in this vicious circle for years.
I didn’t realize I was lying. It was just the story I always told myself, until I came to realize how lonely, disappointing and draining it was to live and date this way.
Man, I was so scared!
It’s no wonder I talked myself into half-relationships, or “soulmate” situations with high drama. Staying in this heightened state of pain with few euphoric moments kept me in the biggest lie of all; the biggest story I could tell myself so I could be the victim and the heroine at the same time…
And the biggest lie was: this is all I deserved.
It was not like a movie with its romantic drama; it didn’t get tied up with a neat little happy ending. It was an unraveling, leading to a new awareness.
This new awareness was around my b.s. stories that said, “I’m meant to be alone,” or as a friend said to me years ago, “I think you’re here on a spiritual journey and aren’t meant for a relationship.” (Um, our greatest spiritual lessons come from relationships–staying alone actually keeps us stunted in our comfort zone).
Do you get what I’m throwing down? Do you get that our lives are based on our choices, our perspective of ourselves and what we deserve?
When I started working with my dating coach, I’d found that I had already moved into deeper awareness. Just the act of hiring her and committing to myself lead to this epiphany, something I heard a million times, but never really got emotionally.
The impact of being honest about my past patterns of dating lead me to the discovery of choice, empowerment and re-imagining what was possible for me.
As I took more responsibility for my part, and how I acted in fear, I could see the contrast of what was now feasible by trusting myself. Trusting the Universe lead to believing anything truly is possible!
Want to be released from the prison of limitation? Commit to changing your story.
For more on this topic, listen to the following podcasts: