Should, must and have to
It’s been a very busy past few days and I haven’t been able to sit down and write here. I will be posting about my “believing project” later on today. I have one participant and am hoping for another….and now we are at 362 days on the belief project (YAY!). And believing has already shown up as manifesting for the two of us.
Anywho— this post is about “should, must and have to”, just a few words really. I do my best in keeping those words out of my vocabulary, thoughts or expectations in life.
“Should, must and have to”, have me stop in my tracks and ask the following: What do I want to do? Why am I feeling I should do “fill in the blank”? What will happen if I don’t do what I should do, think or feel? What happens if I am honest with myself or others?
There are so few things that actually qualify as “must do’s”, unless they are truly for “me”. I matter. I hope most people in my life “want” me to show up, not show up because I “have to”…seems a lousy way to “appear” to get your way.
Now when it comes to a goal I have whether it is cleaning my house, building a business or going out with someone…those still come from a “want”. When someone tells me I MUST believe something, the buck stops right there—reality is based on “one’s” own perception, not someone else’s idea.
I MUST earn a living, true….yet, can’t it be enjoyable and something I LOVE and WANT to do? Heck yeah!!! I feel blessed to wake up and do both coaching and marketing most days of the week. I feel like a kid in a candy store!
If you are doing a job you abhor, it is your own fear and limitation which keep you in that place. Not to be blunt or unkind, but that is a choice you make to stay stuck. The comfort of what you know (even if you are unhappy) vs. the unknown and the discomfort which comes with it….many people would rather keep the music inside of them, then to go through the fear and live it! Whatever you let hold you in a “should”, is something to be examined.
Oftentimes people do what another expects of them, because they fear hurting that person’s feelings or because they are afraid of being judged as a bad person or some other negative judgment. Take the whole judgment out of the equation and be honest, you may find the other party respects you for it! Most people don’t want to feel they have forced someone to do something, we want to believe they show up in a genuine way.
I realize we all ask for advice at different times. Sometimes for corroboration of what we believe or cuz we feel stuck or we just can’t see the light. A person who has a well-developed sense of themselves, will consider what is stated and see how the advice fits into their world.
On the other hand, a person who doesn’t feel good about themselves, feels they make bad decisions AND will feel even worse about themselves if they don’t take the advice given; creates an inner judge.
In turn, the words “should, must or have to” are grasped onto as to feel okay, liked or believe you are finally doing the right thing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t buy you the ticket to happiness. It brings guilt, a feeling of helplessness, being conflicted and confused, and questioning your own ability to make good decisions, you feel worse. There is not another person on the planet who’s advice you “should” take, unless you “want” to, because it feels right for you. That is a choice. A person giving the advice, doesn’t wake up and put your shoes on everyday, only you do.
Learning to trust your own knowledge of what you “should” do plays into a much bigger picture, again it comes from what you want for your goals in life.
If I want to buy a new car and I know saving money will help me to achieve that goal, then I may say: “I should save this money instead of splurging on this pair of shoes.” In light of the bigger goal, the overall “want”, may create a “should” toward the bigger picture.
Of course, if you constantly state what you “want” in your life and do the opposite, then one has to ask what is really wanted and why the self sabotage in getting to the goal?
Letting go of the ties that bind us to the “shoulds” creates a space, it gives freedom. Freedom of choice, freedom to live and breathe as one wishes to do so in this fantastic journey called life.