Written By: Cristina DiMeglio
Once, someone important to me had said that our relationship was like a revolving door and someday that door would just close.
I remember being emotionally triggered by this statement. The low lighting of the dark bar glared at me wildly and as I tensed up, through pursed lips, I choked “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I continued chugging my wine in hopes of putting up a protective shield while waiting apprehensively for his response.
I don’t quite recall his response, but it was one of those dismissive, half-kidding statements of “oh, nothing,” which left a sour note. I forgot about this conversation, until one day…it appeared in front of my face! After remembering his statement, it has been percolating in the back of my mind. What did it really mean? What was the reflection he was providing me?
The thought bubbles up from time to time. Revolving door. Where has my life been a revolving door?
And it hit me like a tsunami.
My thinking has been cyclical, my relationships…forever running in circles half in and half out, and my damn responses to anything emotional in my life….cyclical!
I have been running my ass off in circles for a decade. Running away from people I loved. Running away from myself. Running away from my own vulnerability. BUT…I kept that fucking revolving door spinning because of my irrational fear of abandonment!
Not for a second could I commit to myself! It lead me to ask, how could I try to commit to someone else?
I couldn’t spend a day doing things I love with myself; I needed to spend the time fulfilling someone else so their reaction could be the essence filling me up and it never ever freaken did!
Let me pause to take it in. Even writing the experience down is a mental loopty loop!
So, my friends, I ask you, where has your life been a revolving door of a similar experience? Where you’re shuffling the cards of life and keep dealing the same suit?
I have lived it. I know.
When your looking around yourself and asking “is this really it?” And your life seems stale…your life has certainly been a revolving door.
The zest for life is gone. Instead, your thinking everything has the same glow of bullshit day in and day out.
Where are you doing the exact same thing over and over and… over again?
Let me know once you finally get tired of it, or share in the comments below. You may be surprised by how much our bodies and minds can endure.