Most of us fear break ups. We’ll do almost anything we can to avoid them, *oh the pain* until we grasp our emotional resilience to handle it.
Many of us stay in half-baked relationships.
Selling ourselves on ‘its good enough,’ numbing out, not getting our needs met or saying ‘yes’ to things, which make us feel horrible about ourselves, what do we actually think is going to change here?
We’ll wake up one day and magically everything will work to our liking?
We need to change, IF we ever want to experience the best in life. This involves risk and knowing something else suits us better. Stepping away from filling our time with worry, hope, and desperation, instead we move into pleasure.
By changing, we don’t transform into someone else! We become who we truly are, dropping the excuses, dismissing the chatter of others’ voices and begin LOVING ourselves.
Exiting a relationship with pleasure translates into bringing more pleasure into our lives.
Let’s take my client Anna who was having a relationship with a guy she thought was fabulous!
When they met, they bonded among other things, over their similar loneliness. I told her it wasn’t the best place to start, as I listened, it was quite clear; he was a victim. Everything was always someone else’s responsibility, even his own actions.
He was not at cause for anything happening in his life.
For awhile, Anna didn’t notice this so much (even when I pointed it out), because he was busy rescuing her. As long as being a rescuer/victim worked for them both, there wasn’t a problem. As many who know the drama triangle, it requires three positions…victim, rescuer and persecutor, living our relationships on that triangle, we switch positions, unconsciously.
About a year into it, Anna noticed him slipping away.
He made excuses, saying it wasn’t her, it was the overwhelm of everything in his life.
There were excuses, as though she caused his overwhelm. Everything he volunteered to rescue, became a burden… he got angry, seeing her as needy and incapable of making appropriate decisions in her own life……though, her perceived helplessness only existed in his mind.
At one point, he was very demeaning to her, even though she was extremely upset, she was done.
He never took responsibility for his choice in his treatment of her. He saw her causing him to be derogatory toward her. She, however, saw the trajectory and knew if it happened once, it’ll happen again.
In his eyes, she became the persecutor and he was the victim, waiting for her to rescue him by taking full responsibility for how she caused him to be angry with her.
Anna could observe the situation without feeling victimized. She felt strong and more in love with herself. Even though she was sad at the prospect of ending the relationship, she knew she didn’t deserve it. She knew she deserved pleasure….and lots of it!
As she started to take one tiny step at a time, she took back her power. Meaning, she said ‘yes’ when she meant it and ‘no’ when she meant it too. She engaged in a manner, which respected them both. She allowed herself to flip flop a bit, so she could emotionally let go without overwhelming anxiety, and make sure she learned her WHY. Her desire was clarity about her part. Her bigger desire was to end this in a loving, kind and respectful manner without anger.
Pleasure became of the utmost importance. She gave to herself more and more. Fun wasn’t to escape the situation, it was something she could fully jump into and exploit the pleasure of pleasing herself.
No more suffering, or punishing herself or depression. It was an opportunity to empower herself and OWN her choices. The more she fed pleasure to herself, the more she glowed, even in sad moments….she realized she was going to move onto bigger and better things.
The act of fun, pleasure and empowerment made her realize all that was previously impossible, was becoming possible. As she let go of holding onto to what didn’t serve her emotionally, her world expanded.
Choice is always available when it comes to a perspective of our lives.
We can convince ourselves we must stay here and suffer, that someday pleasure can shine in our lives…..but, it never comes, until we decide no matter what’s going on to GIVE TO OURSELVES what we desire.
The exact measure of our resistance to pleasure is the exact amount of the gain. When we resist ending a relationship or feel it must go down in flames to exit, it’s quite obvious that in equal part pleasure awaits us when we finally say ‘yes’ to ourselves.