Note to Self
All the conceptsI have read and practiced about the faith of letting go and flowing with the river of my life are true. It is a challenge to always give up having things fall into place how I see it and instead allowing for the future to unfold naturally.
It isn’t just about letting go of control and “musts” in the flow, it is as much about communication, emotions, mental thoughts and physical action coexisting happily in the flow…. and some days it is all I can do to get my thoughts and actions to sometimes match!
Dams, boulders and other HUGE blocks can become unbearable obstacles very easily. Either self-imposed ones or those, which rolled in front of me. I try, try, try to have constant awareness when these structures find their way ONTO MY ROAD. And I do what I can to stop for a minute and listen. I figure something has to be giving me directions on my next move if I am just quiet enough to hear.
The bottom line is…if I can listen and take a different action than normal, I get that I will endure less pain and sic’ suffering on its own ear.
I was upset a few days ago, as in an elevator of emotions that were over the top on the 15th floor. You know the place; the one where the same sentences keep repeating over and over through my head.
I was taking a shower scrubbing my hair and replaying the scene ad nauseum, when something inside gave rise for me to pause for a second.
It spoke to me and asked me just to breathe for a moment.
As I did, my body started relaxing and I felt my brain start to unwind its tightness. I was so wound up with all the twists and turns I had in trying to solve this dilemma.
It became clearer with each moment of calmness, that I actually had no reason to be upset.
It wasn’t my problem to solve.
It didn’t belong to me!
I was able to pick myself up and out of being extremely upset to relishing the calm in those moments. It played out clearly. I stopped personalizing and opened up to the space beyond my mind. I felt the connection to everything and as I stopped pounding my head on the “boulder” in my road…I found the flow.
We battle with life, others and ourselves.
Mostly, we stand in our own way….and our very old patterns remain intact proving over and over again that the same thing MUST keep happening beyond our control.
It is false and it is not inevitable.
Stand still let the moment “be”. Whatever you are trying to change, force or beat down into submission–stop. All of the disconnecting, blaming, judging, punishing, hiding, giving up, becoming depressed, hopeless and running are the results of these patterns winning again.
It’s time for you or me to take the reins as we gallop through this life.
As I practice this awareness, I find my clarity is very strong.
Some days, it may take me a minute to catch the pattern of thought that leads directly to my hell. Sometimes to do something completely foreign to my usual way of responding is as hard as performing surgery on myself. Yet, by having this awareness, I feel freer, happier and more at ease than ever.
I really do grasp the concept of letting go and trusting that all will work out for the best.
I don’t have to throw down the gauntlet, upset the apple cart or make a disaster of any part of my existence.
All I have to do is state what is true for me (and “no” I cannot tell someone else what is true for them–see the above paragraph on patterns) believe that my higher power, God, the Universe or whom I put my faith in will come through for me as I participate in my life.
And when I don’t get my “picture”…..I don’t get as upset as I did in the past.
Most of the time I realize I just haven’t seen the picture beyond the tip of my nose yet. And when I realize the world isn’t over and new possibility can come, I feel a sense of giddiness and excitement like a kid on Christmas morning as to what awaits me!
I have a little thing I do each day.
I ask/pray for things I want to be in my life that day in a general way. And each day–I swear it is answered. I have to pay attention, because it can come in a way I don’t expect it at all. I find it stops me from the struggle of feeling alone in this world and that someone is listening.
And the bigger things I request, the ones in which I have had to take a very long time to gather faith not just in the Universe, but myself are on their way to me. I had to break out of these old beliefs which told me I was nothing and finally believe I deserve something besides lumps of coal.
We are all on our own journey.
I hope sharing some of my own experiences with how I made it easier for myself are helpful….on those days when you struggle too. And heck! I may have to re-read what I wrote when I may find myself struggling once again.