I Am the Marrying Kind
Many years ago, I had a friend who was going through a divorce.
She told me very firmly and knowingly that she indeed was not going to stay single; she was the marrying kind.
Sure enough, she married a man later the following year who satisfied her statement.
At the time I thought about it, I asked myself wasn’t everyone deep down inside the marrying kind? Didn’t we all have the capacity? Didn’t I?
I’d been divorced 4 years at the time.
I was still in love with someone in which everything that could be an obstacle stood in the way of our togetherness. I had a pretty good fantasy going on about riding off into the sunset and some psychics I went to on a regular basis who helped me keep the vision alive. (psychics seek out other psychics)
I enjoyed impossible relationships for many years.
I thought the challenge and struggle was what relationships always were on a deeper level. Yet, I knew from others, from reading and from the growing dissatisfaction with the “work” involved that supportive, happy relationships actually existed.
Did I really believe it was possible for me?
It was a many “years” long discovery of myself and how I actually blocked being the marrying kind.
I was the running kind.
I ALWAYS said I wanted to be with someone. ALWAYS. My heart yearned for it, but I chose pain over love. I chose to try and get some crazy approval, some feeling of validation by finally winning over the man. Vulnerability was something others did, because I had no clue as to what love actually was of myself or someone else.
I didn’t realize how fear and the beliefs I developed as a child were basically killing my love life.
I could see a great divide between me and the marrying kind! I saw others marrying all the time and trying to figure out their secret. What was wrong with me????
I wasn’t needy…I was very independent. I wasn’t trying to drag someone to the altar, I didn’t mind a slow process in getting there. I figured I was textbook perfect as a mate…so why the hell was I single and wrapped up in these nightmarish situations???
And bit by bit, I saw the contrast.
I learned so much through my last relationship. It was 5 years on and off, with someone I had crowned my soulmate in the beginning and in the end, my greatest teacher.
Over time, as my walls that had separated me crumbled down….my “running” nature also fell apart.
I saw how I couldn’t be vulnerable and compartmentalize everything, how I wanted perfection in how we came together and what I would allow, because of my insecurities. It’s what meaning I gave to my past experiences and my shitty beliefs I developed about myself as a result…I felt like I was unworthy and a failure in love.
I’d been rigid where I needed to be flexible. I’d been black and white, where other colors needed to enter my perception. I accepted so little, where it needed to be a vast ocean. I gave, but didn’t receive….I didn’t ask for help, until I did and it wasn’t there.
And on the other extreme I saw possible where it was impossible. I imagined, prayed and focused on how I wanted it to be and not how it actually was, for so many reasons.
It was safe.
I was forced to get out of my own way. The safety of these rocky roads to navigate and keep me hamstrung, running from love were no longer working. The old ways were dying off as I got to know me, love me and truly want more for myself.
What was safe now seemed uninteresting; distance became exactly that…distance. Not a challenge, but something I couldn’t bridge the gap on alone. I stopped wanting difficult and breathed into easy.
Now it’s scary, because I’ve had to dig deep to believe (regardless of my insecurities) that somewhere out there is a mate for me, who willingly will meet where I am, where neither of us is running from intimacy or ourselves. Someone who matches me, rather than my trying to paint an impossible picture into one of a togetherness that will never be….
I’ve become the marrying kind; I actually love being around couples that are happy together, there’s something contagious about it and quite inviting….
Becoming the marrying kind is quite expansive, forgiving, open, freeing and loving. Loving myself and life as it is may be a challenge at times, but it’s a challenge I welcome!
As I finished writing this, someone shared this quote: “If you’re brave enough to say “good-bye,” life will reward you with a new “hello.” ~Paulo Coehlo
I am brave enough to say good-bye to the old ways, and hello to the unknown.