I’m Not Her Anymore

I’m Not Her Anymore

I’m not her anymore.

As authentic as I always figured I was, and even more so now, the clarity I have achieved has not come easily.

There are things I don’t want to admit, yet I do end up coming clean and if you listen to my podcast you’ve probably heard everything besides what brand of toilet paper I use.

I’m not her, I’m not the woman or the girl that I used to think I was. I’m nothing like her now.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just a thing.

As someone who has spent most of her life as an avoidant, it’s really interesting to move away from what I used to be. I struggle at times with the old tendency to isolate rather than going both feet into my social life and dating. I do date, but it comes in waves and the men I date are different than men in the past. And I am different too.

I’m more me. I’ve been tempted to wear pajamas and slippers out on a date. LOL. I’ve gotten that comfortable with myself. Although (lucky for my dates) I prefer getting dressed and looking how I want to look.

I’m no longer someone who is willing to put forth so much effort. I’ve done it and it’s painful. I was at yoga recently with a friend of mine and midway through I had a meltdown. Not a bad meltdown. It was a good one.

I felt as though I was looking down on myself as I was on the floor, in a pose. I felt compassion for for all the hard work and effort that person on the floor had put into trying to be accepted and loved. Then realizing what a total waste it had been.

Not because of other people, but because I never had to do it in the first place; I just didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know my life would work so much better just being me, open to receiving and creating. Not that my life is perfect. Nope it’s not. But I don’t really put that energy out there anymore; that effort into pleasing and being “perfect”. And if I start to, I catch myself, because I’m not her anymore.

Now I am working on not being alone. I realize a big part of me has been since I was a little kid. Out of all the things I’ve overcome and my belief system, this has been the hardest thing in the world. Call it independence or call it being really protective and not trusting myself. I trust myself more than I used to, but clearly if I’m still alone, I must not be all the way there.

I’m not sure. All I know is that I don’t need to keep fighting or force things or make demands. I have surrendered. I’m not her anymore.

I like myself. Actually, I love myself a whole hell of a lot more than I used to when I was her. 

And as I write this I just wonder… where did I get the idea that being unhappy was my destiny by trying to be what I thought was acceptable? I didn’t, she did.

I’m not her anymore.

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2 thoughts on “I’m Not Her Anymore

  1. Amy S - January 20, 2019 at 9:01 pm

    Love this! After a failed marriage of 22 years, 46 and living alone and supporting myself for the first time ever, surviving the emotional abuse of an affair, for three years, with a married man, who had been a friend since the age of 10. It ended horribly and I was left shattered, alone, to pick up the pieces of my life. After years of counseling and listening to many of your podcasts, I am finally realizing that “I’m not her anymore.” It has been almost 4 years of guilt, shame, remorse and every other way imaginable of beating myself up, for my poor choices. I am slowly healing and moving on. Some days are still a struggle but “I am not her anymore.” Thank you, Tracy, for what you do and the hope and encouragement your words give to me. I am realizing that good people sometimes make poor choices but need to forgive themselves. I too, deserve the happiness that I haven’t felt in many years. Slowly but surely I feel I’m getting there and hope that one day I will have the relationship that I know deserve.

    Reply

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