As authentic as I always figured I was, and even more so now, the clarity I have achieved has not come easily.
There are things I don’t want to admit, yet I do end up coming clean and if you listen to my podcast you’ve probably heard everything besides what brand of toilet paper I use.
I’m not her, I’m not the woman or the girl that I used to think I was. I’m nothing like her now.
It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a good thing. It’s just a thing.
As someone who has spent most of her life as an avoidant, it’s really interesting to move away from what I used to be. I struggle at times with the old tendency to isolate rather than going both feet into my social life and dating. I do date, but it comes in waves and the men I date are different than men in the past. And I am different too.
I’m more me. I’ve been tempted to wear pajamas and slippers out on a date. LOL. I’ve gotten that comfortable with myself. Although (lucky for my dates) I prefer getting dressed and looking how I want to look.
I’m no longer someone who is willing to put forth so much effort. I’ve done it and it’s painful. I was at yoga recently with a friend of mine and midway through I had a meltdown. Not a bad meltdown. It was a good one.
I felt as though I was looking down on myself as I was on the floor, in a pose. I felt compassion for for all the hard work and effort that person on the floor had put into trying to be accepted and loved. Then realizing what a total waste it had been.
Not because of other people, but because I never had to do it in the first place; I just didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know my life would work so much better just being me, open to receiving and creating. Not that my life is perfect. Nope it’s not. But I don’t really put that energy out there anymore; that effort into pleasing and being “perfect”. And if I start to, I catch myself, because I’m not her anymore.
Now I am working on not being alone. I realize a big part of me has been since I was a little kid. Out of all the things I’ve overcome and my belief system, this has been the hardest thing in the world. Call it independence or call it being really protective and not trusting myself. I trust myself more than I used to, but clearly if I’m still alone, I must not be all the way there.
I’m not sure. All I know is that I don’t need to keep fighting or force things or make demands. I have surrendered. I’m not her anymore.
I like myself. Actually, I love myself a whole hell of a lot more than I used to when I was her.
And as I write this I just wonder… where did I get the idea that being unhappy was my destiny by trying to be what I thought was acceptable? I didn’t, she did.
I’m not her anymore.