Healthy in The Heart
I have come to the conclusion that emotionally, I am pretty healthy, happy and content. And I wanted to share a bit about my journey with changing beliefs.
I’ve made that statement at various times in my life, but it was more an intellectual disclaimer in the past rather than a true sense of well-being.
I can remember when I started going to therapy during my divorce. When I look back it was an intellectual pursuit.
I intellectually knew what was expected, but emotionally, a very large wall of numbness and vagueness separated me from how I was operating in my life. There was no connection between the two. My therapist became like a mother to me; she and I developed a friendship. She felt I was one of her kids. We stayed in contact until she died of cancer eight years ago.
She believed I was emotionally, okay. We never once looked at my patterns or beliefs that kept me stuck in un-gratifying relationships and situations. I had no idea about this until I met another therapist, on my first visit she told me I was too evolved and didn’t know if she could help me.
Yep! I am one smart cookie!
I knew exactly what to say, so in effect I was canceling out any opportunity for legitimate help. She tried a couple of CBT exercises, but since I still had no awareness that it was my beliefs and patterns keeping me stuck, we parted ways as friends too.
The process of working with transformative materials, coaches, mentors and my training came along when I was ready to open the door to clarity with my emotions. I was ready to sit with pain, understand why I believed what I do and take action with different choices in the present.
I am legitimately positive about my life and where it is going “most of the time”. It comes through small realizations each day. Mostly, it is my clarity in what I believe I deserve for myself.
I still have off days and off moments; I am human and when things seem to be stuck resembling past moments or not moving in a direction I want; I can throw a pity party with the best of em’.
We all make choices and how we decide to show up in our lives, is a choice. How we treat people, including our self, is a choice. I listen to people speak as though they have been possessed emotionally by something beyond their control when it comes to how they handle life, they don’t realize they have a choice. I used to be in this category too. And any time I find myself swept up in an emotion, I can be assured its roots are in my past.
We ALWAYS have the chance to not sabotage our dreams, if we stop and look at the choices we are making right now.
What is the “thought” behind the choice? Most people are not even aware of why they make these choices; they are lead by a feeling or an old experience (we can call it auto-pilot) when making choices in the present.
We always have the opportunity to make a different choice, one that leads to fulfillment. Emotionally committing to fulfillment is a “both feet in” sort of thing.
I have made the choice to hold my breath as I plunge into the deep end, swimming that channel toward fulfillment, daily. And when I come up for air, I realize the value and well-being I possess grow stronger as I become more vulnerable and take risks.
Well-being isn’t showing up saying, “I only think positive thoughts.” That is not healthy, because it is not true. We think all sorts of thoughts; it is whether we follow any of our thoughts with action, positive or negative.
I embrace having healthy people in my life. It doesn’t mean our relationship is problem free; it means there is a sense of showing up, care through words/actions and fulfillment. Fence sitting is not an option. If someone shows up or is into me, its clear. When it’s vague, it doesn’t support my happiness and needs, it does not fulfill me at all. I am all about people who are committed to their happiness and mine, whether they are a friend or mate.
This comes after having believed for a long time that my needs being ignored was okay. I felt I deserved to be punished for some long ago misdeed. I beat myself up over the failure of my marriage. I created various situations, which reflected what a horrible person I really felt I was for not sticking around. I don’t believe this anymore; I recognize the biggest cost in being stuck emotionally was my own love and my happiness; it feels good to have found courage to not be stuck in the quicksand of my own misery.
I used to believe I was needy or pushy by asking or wanting fulfillment in a relationship. I was not needy or pushy; I was just fulfilling a belief that I was undeserving and not worthy. I unconsciously sought out people who felt this way about themselves, so I could re-confirm this belief.
Intellectually in the past, like I said, I knew this dynamic was unhealthy. I felt unworthy or undeserving for someone to put effort out from the heart. Now it is quite the opposite.
I thought normal was for someone to withhold from me. I was withheld from as a child and so it “felt” normal to be ignored, live in a push/pull dynamic and made to feel what I wanted was unimportant—it was instead a battleground or tug o’ war.
I no longer feel this is “normal”, which is a miracle. And if anyone endures poor treatment, you should ask yourself “In what ways am I not being kind to myself?”
As we discard old beliefs about ourselves, we shouldn’t be hasty. Often times we need to sit with the dysfunction and take new action, until we reach a point of clarity and resolution. I’ve shared these examples, because I believe many people feel some or all of these limiting beliefs.
If you are interested in learning more on living your life fully and beyond any sort of limitation, email me, I’d be happy to chat! Tracy@13degreez.com