Happiness, Goals and the FEAR Box
Definition of the fear box :
A place we imprison ourselves without even realizing how we arrived there. It allows us to compartmentalize our lives, not deal with fears, and play it safe with NO emotional risks.
In the box, our actions and beliefs don’t correspond to our dreams/goals. It is familiar and comfortable, yet very uncomfortable too.
We may complain and say we want things to be different, but continue to invest in building thicker walls in our box, while we wait. We wait for the magical day to appear in which it is safe to come out and play. We may be waiting for the planets to align, or a person; wishing for confidence or stability, security, a green light and any other “outside” sign telling us its safe to proceed. This day WILL NEVER come.
Ya just gotta do it!
Each day is an opportunity. Yet, how many people wake up on a “regular” day without a catalyst and take the leap of faith to live their heart’s desire?
Pulling people out of their FEAR box doesn’t work.
It took me years to finally release myself from pulling people along in my personal life. I did it to ignore my fears. Until I was pretty far along on my journey into awareness did it become clear; I hid in this role.
I didn’t realize what a high cost it was for me to always be the shoulder to cry on, the Dear Abby, the “nice and funny” person until a few years back. Let me say, old habits and beliefs die-hard; it’s been a long process to let go.
I didn’t want to look at why I carried a low level of anxiety and loneliness. What belief about myself created this facade? Keeping me surrounded by my own limitations, in my FEAR box.
I remember when I was a kid; my mom told me I wasn’t nice and no one would like me. She said I was selfish and cold; that I didn’t need anyone and was already like an adult at 8 years old. The thing is all of those words were background music to my actions and beliefs I developed about myself FOR YEARS.
I figured if I was this other “person” then what my mom said would NOT be true. I could prove her wrong and make it so people loved me and needed me. (Btw-This was not obvious to me until I did transformative work and took action.)
I thought if I weren’t nice, no one would be my friend.
If I wasn’t trying to fix their lives with my “words of wisdom” or “support” then I would be alone in this world.
Funny, how what you are afraid of most happening, ends up happening.
Slowly and I mean slowly, I became aware of it in my personal life. Thankfully, in my coaching practice I am able to provide without taking anything personally. It is a healthy relationship with my clients.
I have released all people in my personal life to go freely and live in their boxes. I subscribed to a skewed philosophy that if others saw me living by my word they would be inclined too.
And how self-righteous was my view? Who am I to take what people asked for in my support or guidance and remind them through honest words?
Someone told me I make it impossible to hide.
So I gave up the dysfunctional relationships where there was no alternative. Ones in which I allowed others’ to make me responsible for their well-being. I accepted in my remaining relationships that I’m supportive, but I don’t invest in the choices of others as my personal crusade.
As I take action and live from a place of authenticity for myself, I realized that I had a hard time personally listening to people repetitively complain about the same thing (beyond venting) or tell me stories, which made them victims.
And if I agreed, I’d feel like I was letting them off the hook to their fulfilling their own dream. It’s not my personal job.
Now in my personal life I don’t make that investment. I accept and don’t try to fix.
I’m there as a friend who may ask questions and be supportive, but not as their therapist.
Have you found yourself in that role? You are welcome to retire any time.
Take all that energy and focus on what holds you back from your own dreams. And if you are inclined, pop out of your FEAR box.
As I’ve learned by coaching people and watching them move toward their dreams, it is about making the commitment to oneself.
No one can do the heavy lifting for us. Only we can do it to have our lives become what we say we want.
I will continue to take risks, which are uncomfortable as hell every day; push me beyond my own limitations and not sabotage myself. I know when I honor myself; I honor others. I accept others and I can still choose to take my own fork in the road and find new traveling companions. Or if I stay, it is from this place of fulfillment in my heart.
I invested in a romantic relationship that was not fulfilling me in any way. Safe topics were cool. And like the relationship with my parents, we rarely addressed issues between the two of us. The pink elephant was in the room; unless I reached my limit of being able to NOT focus on what was obviously wrong.
No change ever happened. …I gave up fixing and pulling, so the relationship fell away. And as I move on, intimacy is something I no longer fear.
I chose to invest in men who preferred to never rise to the occasion; stuck deep in their own boxes. I preferred this to keep me single and in my FEAR box.
Why, if I am saying I wanted to be married was I working so hard at investing in the opposite? Haha.
Old commitment fears and issues die-hard too.
I keep taking Ol’ Bessie in hand here and am honest with myself. I know the fear I felt had nothing to do with the other person; it is my fear of my own emotions coming at me—can I handle them? Now? YES I can.
Pop right out of my FEAR box!
Love is spacious, fear is limiting and once again I walk on my hot coals. I don’t have to slam doors. I don’t fear a committed relationship as a prison; I can just love.
As my client told me jokingly last week when we were setting his appointment for this week: “ Next week could be rough, with everybody “needing me”. Can’t I just go back into hiding and be a recluse? I blame/thank you for this.”
My client is in a healthy, happy relationship now, a great social life and developing a whole new division of his business for himself too.
He is one of the reasons I coach, watching people pop out of their FEAR boxes and create the happy life they want.