Life is a journey, right?
Sometimes it comes easy and at other times it feels like we’re out there rock climbing without a rope.
I come from a place of being a doer.
I am all about taking action.
I often talk about mental masturbation as a place we can get stuck for eons, and talk ourselves right out of taking action toward what we really want.
I’ve taken action for a multitude of reasons in my life; motivated by excitement or motivated by fear. Many times I also took action, because it was “my pattern, my way, of operating without much thought, because action was on autopilot.
My discovery was the action I took in “autopilot” sprouted from this fear, that if I don’t go after it, then it’ll not be there. It pushed me out there; I thought no one would know me or find me, so my job was to tell others to need me in certain situations.
I had to sell myself and show my value, so I wouldn’t starve or be forgotten.
Sigh–so tiring, right?
I recently found I was still doing it in places. In fact, I had a dream, where I kept asking people in the dream for attention, for what I wanted and give them no room or space to figure it out on their own.
I, physically, felt how I was going against myself and my gut. I knew that in the rapid-fire way of asking someone to give me attention, I was feeling worse and worse about myself in this dream.
When I woke, I thought of my recent “lightbulb moments.” They were connected. I had always been chasing life, perhaps not as overtly or often as I used to, but when it came to my basic needs there definitely was still the fear driving me.
I’ve been without a home, without food and when I was a lot younger, I lived in my car for a bit of time (more out of stubbornness than necessity) too.
I realized my lack of trust was still there; I didn’t believe things would work out for me. I didn’t trust my value, and I was so focused on a pattern (a major one) repeating in my life, apparently against my will, that I was disconnecting from me and my truth.
Confusion is the sign of a lesson.
Clarity has been uneven for the past 6 months. I have spent time really searching inside myself for clarity, for the karma in my life that apparently is standing in the way of where I intuitively feel I am supposed to be.
What am I talking about?
When we are on a path, paying attention to our inner calling, it’s not alway clear that life will fall into place. Often it does not and we can take it as a sign to jump off the path or stay with the course. Clarity often comes last.
I must continue the course. Intuitively, I know it’s where I’m headed. When we stay on the challenging path, it’s where our karma lies to be balanced, to teach us, so we grow. For me, it’s been either action or allowing. Desiring to be in alignment and accepting circumstances as they are instead of trying to change them all the time. What is my lesson?
I’ve come to clarity with more to come.
First, there’s no purpose in exhausting ourselves to chase life.
Second, the lack of trust in ourselves and the Universe can cause us to get stuck in the same pattern over and over, trying to teach us what will actually simplify our lives.
Third, if we keep turning events and our reactions to our inner wisdom, clues do show up and one day we have an epiphany telling us the path we’re on is purposeful. Our perspective shifts and we start to see the opportunity rather than the challenges.
Fourth, the recognition of our own value comes from connecting and re-connecting (no one is connected to themselves 24/7) to our truth and staying with it, no matter what the path looks like ahead.
Fifth, no one else can offer proper judgment on our karma. We’re here to grow and learn. We are not on our own timetable, there is no rushing and chasing that needs to happen. We can relax and have faith that our challenges will give way to enlightenment and success.