Insecurely Attached (Anxious/Avoidant)

Your parents’ behavior could be a mix of both the avoidant and anxious definitions: all over the map. Your parents could be nurturing and responding to your distress one minute, and in the next, they could be intrusive, insensitive or emotionally unavailable. If your parents were together, one parent was definitely domineering and a bully while the other seemed to take shit from the other constantly. In fact, that may have been one of the only consistencies—your parents’ inconsistent behavior. For example, they would be neglectful and then later try to make up for it by being overindulgent. When your parents vacillated between two very different responses, you would become confused and distrustful, not knowing what kind of treatment to expect.

In response, you were the “come here, go away” kind of child. You found yourself worrying or being suspicious and distrustful, while at the same time acting clingy and desperate. You may have focused intensely on your parent, wanting attention and trying to figure out ways to get it. Whether you were good because you needed the validation of achievement, or bad because you were angry—it was all about your parent’s availability or unavailability. As a kid, you would vacillate between being overly-dependent and expressing angry rejection toward your parent or caregiver.

As an adult, you can’t commit to healthy relationships because you are afraid. But you don’t realize it and often blame your avoidant or anxious potential partner. Fear of getting too close to a partner keeps you on your toes, making up stories and excuses as to why a relationship will not work out. You are used to having some needs met, and then out of the blue dropped or forgotten! It brings you back to the belief you’re not important or a priority, another reason you’re afraid of getting close to someone stable. You are looking for a false version of a good mate; you want perfection in some aspect. And yet you often choose people who are emotionally unavailable because you are emotionally unavailable yourself. You are likely an overachiever and avid validation seeker, which includes a constant need to fix relationships. You allow others to set your mood for the day based on how you’re treated. You are also the one who suffers most in insecurely attached relationships because you feel helpless to leave and cannot commit with both feet in… so, in essence, you tend to get stuck for all the wrong reasons.

A relationship based in insecure attachment is not grounded in a reality of partnership, instead it’s based on your expectation of how the other person should show up to make you feel ok. It’s about performing certain roles, not truly connecting. And what you truly desire is connection – as humans, we’re wired for it.

This was me for so long, and I was always anxious and discontent in my relationships as a result. Then one day I woke up to the fact that the issue was with me and set about figuring out how to have healthy, happy connected relationships. I’m happy to report I figured it out – it’s not perfect (the number of human relationships that are is: zero!), but now I have the right tools and perspectives.