Insecurely Attached (Anxious)

You had an iron grip on your parents (and may still), becoming panicky for their attention. Then when reunited with your main caretaker, you would show mixed responses. Even though you may have clung for dear life to mom or dad—you may have been troubled or sad, so you could have avoided direct eye contact—you could have pushed them away when they picked you up and then ran back to them when they put you down. The anxious attachment has little to do with emotional closeness—rather it is the physical proximity, as you could remain intensely focused on them, but seemed to lack any satisfaction or the ability to be comforted. You always felt empty when you were not receiving attention and practically begged for it.

As a child, you were probably a people pleaser—you learned it worked in receiving attention. You desperately feared abandonment and hated being left alone. Criticism could have made you shut down and wallow in your feelings of unworthiness. You actually had no idea what your needs were most of the time, so you felt needy and fragile.

As an adult your inner critic is in charge, contributing to your lack of worth, fear and insecurity. You’re afraid you will never be good enough so you constantly seek approval from others, but it never alleviates your self-doubt. In relationships, you also fear abandonment, which keeps you pleasing your mate out of worry. At times you feel like a doormat and co-dependency rules your relationships. Just like in childhood, you are clingy and depend on your partner for validation. You are your own worst enemy and find it difficult to ask for what you want in relationships. Anytime you feel you’ve done something to upset or displease your partner, you work your ass off to make things better to save yourself from rejection.

A relationship based on insecure attachment is not grounded in a reality of partnership, instead, it’s based on your expectation of how each person should show up to make the other feel ok. It’s about performing certain roles, not truly connecting. And what you truly desire is connection – as humans, we’re wired for it.

This was me for so long, and I was always anxious and discontent in my relationships as a result. Then one day I woke up to the fact that the issue was with me and set about figuring out how to have healthy, happy connected relationships. I’m happy to report I figured it out – it’s not perfect (the number of human relationships that are is: zero!), but now I have the right tools and perspectives.