images (1)

We live in a society that says it’s okay to be angry; it’s even revered through our media.

We exist in a culture which believes there is an entitlement to anger when someone  acts, speaks or believes something we don’t agree with.

When a relationship hits some bumps or our partner does something out of the “norm” we get angry. We think they owe us an explanation for this disappointment. We think it’s about us, and we personalize it, turning it into our cross to bear.

We wait for someone to change; to act in the way we want. Then we get angry when they continue just as they are. This is how we give our power away. We give our power to anger, not the other way around. It doesn’t give US power. Instead it places us in a state of dissatisfaction over the desire for something to change.

Cry me a river?

We have a case of misdirected anger.

First , the focus of anger has nothing to do with another person. In actuality, we’re angry with ourselves. We’re angry at what we allowed—what we manufactured in our mind as the “right way” or “only way” and we’re pissed that we didn’t get our desired outcome.

Second, it’s all about us and our inability to deal with disappointment. We think our mate should be on the same page with us. They may have stated they were on board in the past or even moments ago, but their actions don’t align with their words so we get pissed at the outcome.

Third, anger is pain—pain we want someone else to fix. And when we are focused on anger, we turn it inwards. We create more pain by beating ourselves up for being stupid or overly trusting.

Fourth, it’s a vicious circle. We find we get angry at the same things over and over. The more extreme our response in anger, the more its roots are embedded in a long-ago past.

What can we do to stop this boiling pot of anger spilling over within us?

#1 The shining light of awareness needs to be displayed. Why do we give our power away to people and live in the fantasy of an expectation? We learned early on that this is the way to get what we want: wait for others to show up how we want them to and then get angry when they don’t!

It’s time to gain clarity on the reasons behind this belief. Once we know, we can stop waiting and start living.

#2 Unplug the denial. Whatever we’re doing to distract ourselves from the real pain inside needs to stop. We need to deal with our feelings and become connected to why we operate the way we do. Why do we believe someone owes us happiness, pleasure, or anything? We have to give it to ourselves first. When we give to ourselves we start to see people as human beings.

Last time I checked, we humans are a pretty flawed bunch, and most of us are doing the best we can, even if it means we disappoint others.

#3 The inner and outer critics need to find a new hobby. When we’re angry, we usually like justification. We get validation from people around us and from our judge inside, telling us we’re right and the other person is wrong.

And sometimes we may not start out angry, but we ask enough people their opinion about an issue we’re having with our mate and then we get fired up! We start to kick ourselves for allowing the issue to persist. It’s a vicious circle.

Be kind. Listen to the inner critic who’s trying to protect you. Thank it, then do #4.

#4 Let the love flow. When we’re in our head, we hold anger like a weapon. It’s time to physically drop our awareness into our heart and ask what it wants. It’ll shift us out of anger.

Whenever we’re in the throes of reacting, stopping to ask ourselves what we truly want gives us a different response. The heart doesn’t want to win, it has nothing to prove. It’s all about love. It wants us to embody it internally and externally. The more we allow that vulnerability to surface, the more we become fulfilled, happy and at peace.

Love isn’t the drug, it’s the real cure for the pain.

I’ve created a free resource: Controlling Anxiety, Anger and Resentment in 3 Steps. Download it here.