#395 – Journey of Attachment: Being a Love Addict (or Avoidant?)

You’re picky about who you date, looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect (i.e. someone who won’t hurt or disappoint you). Then you find someone who likes you. There is mutual chemistry, and yet, they seem hesitant. You know what it was like in the beginning (which could have been last week), but now it feels as though they are slip sliding away. Perhaps it triggers in you the feeling of neediness. You cling to them by people pleasing, while accepting breadcrumbs of attention in return. You do this because it is probably what you were taught as a kid—to focus on making others happy in order to get the love you want. But does that actually work? Contrary to what you may believe, relationships do NOT have to be painful. In fact, those hot and cold feelings around whether to stay or go, wondering what he/she wants or how you can make him/her act as you want are signs of attachment, not love. Even more clear are those who are avoidant. The overwhelming feeling of responsibility someone who is avoidant can feel makes them just as anxious as the addict, but to get away to some safe space.

A lot of fears may keep you addicted: your partner moving on while you end up alone, him/her being the best you’ll ever find (scarcity), choosing the wrong partner again, feeling unlovable or undeserving and so on. Perhaps you’re in this relationship because you want to be rescued, but are afraid of admitting that to yourself. It’s ok, admit it. Only then can you empower yourself to change things. Emotionally available people don’t waste their time and energy trying to get close to a polar bear. And polar bears are not looking for love except from a perfect source that does not trigger than into anxiety looking for the nearest iceberg. Seeing yourself clearly, being consistent with your words and actions and becoming your own best friend will release you from this “love-addicted” hell.

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