#337- Journey of Attachment: In Or Out, Get Off The Fence
Are you stuck in a state of limbo, waiting for something to change? Maybe you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, hoping your partner will make a decision for the both of you. You’re physically present, but don’t look at why you are choosing to stay while doing nothing to improve things. Let’s say you’re married and resent your spouse for not communicating, never wanting to do anything fun, etc. But you don’t leave… and you also don’t work on the relationship. You exist in this half in/half out state, never addressing your fear around choosing to leave or emotionally committing to the relationship. Maybe you don’t want to make a wrong choice, or you feel lost and confused, but not making a choice about your relationship is actually a choice.
Limbo-land creates its own drama and it can keep you stuck for a very long time, waiting for a sign that never comes. If you find yourself occupying this middle ground, look at your fear around making a decision. What are you avoiding by staying where you are? How does it keep you safe? Instead of blaming your partner or outside circumstances, ask yourself what YOU are doing to create your reality. You can spend your whole life teetering on the fence, staying miserably stuck because you’re afraid to make a move. Or you can pick a side, jump with both feet in and actually live.
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Yes, fence sitting hurts so much. This man and I dated for 16 months, he presented so well, we had progression, great communication, intimacy. Our kids got along great. He became part of my family, staying with us and helping around the house on weekends. If we had a misunderstanding, we talked it out and focused on the problem, without attacking each other. It was so great, until 16 months in, when I discovered his ex wife had moved back in with him 8 months before, supposedly because she lost her job and he did not want to harm his son by not letting them both move in. However, he lied about it for 8 months. For the past year, he has come in and out of my life with such beautiful words and promises. He tells me she is moving out on this date or that date which never happens, on and on go the calls and texts about how amazing I am and how much he loves and misses me. He apologizes over and over, but never takes any action to move out and be actually single. We have separated and then started talking again countles times in the past year. I was all ready to marry this man when we were dating. We looked at wedding rings and talked about our honeymoon. We had made plans about where we would live. All while he was secretly living with another woman. I always swear every time I tell him we can’t talk anymore will be the last one, but then I give in and go back to talking. We have not even seen each other in person in many months. I just can not seem to let go of him and move on. Even though, I know if he fixed his situation I can not trust him after he lied for so long and continues to make promises he has no intention of keeping. I feel so stuck, waiting for a man to suddenly be the wonderful man he presented himself as for that first 16 months. I really loved him and thought he was who he said he was.
Hi Natalie! I can understand how you feel. As I read your story, I could feel those feelings of being stuck between someone who you thought he was back when he was showing up as “the man” in your life and the guy who can’t seem to move on or keep to his words. Both are this guy. He chooses to be stuck right where he is, probably from fear, so being stuck is a safe place to be. He doesn’t have to commit to anyone, he can stay in limbo. Unfortunately, it puts you in limbo. My answer is really longer than I am able to comment on here. When something like this happens–where we have a sense of betrayal and having our dream come crashing down, there is a mix of emotions. Whether you love him or not is not as relevant as finding out what you are still attached to. At the same time is the desire to cut your losses and move on, hard to do when there are still emotions tied up in the situation. It is emotionally difficult to switch gears in terms of our feelings for someone even when they do something we feel pain from in being impacted. Our society is all about moving on, get over it, etc…but then you never really get to know why you chose this person and in some way keep choosing him. I would say to not resist your feelings and be curious about seeing them through. If you do and can stand to be in limbo with him a bit longer, you may find out why you are still there and what it is he fills in you with his continued presence. I was a yo-yo like this for a long time until I surrendered and stopped making it hard on myself by breaking it off every two seconds. Anyways–hope it makes sense–if you are wanting more tools and guidance, you may want to check out my group on attachment anxious/avoidant.