#245- Journey of Attachment: Dating Someone Who’s in Another Relationship

#245- Journey of Attachment: Dating Someone Who’s in Another Relationship


#245- Journey of Attachment: Dating Someone Who’s in Another Relationship

This is a pretty taboo topic: dating someone who is in another relationship. I hear from a lot of people in this kind of attached relationship entanglement (and yes, it’s always rooted in insecure attachment). There’s often a fight between wanting to put an expiration date on the relationship, and riding off into the sunset together. Unfortunately neither is a reality when you’re in this place. If you say goodbye, you have an anxiety attack; if you stay, you feel trapped. It’s a no-win situation.

If you’re currently in this situation, how much time to you spend thinking about the other person, wondering what they’re doing with their spouse or significant other? How often do you build a story, then start reacting to it, sending yourself into a tizzy? Perhaps you are tired of torturing yourself, but you can’t stop and you can’t let go. This scenario also provides fantastic evidence that you don’t deserve a happy relationship (which isn’t true, but you believe it’s true).

Dating someone who is in another relationship means you are emotionally unavailable. It’s not about the other person, it’s about YOU, so you have to deal with the feelings that landed you here. It’s not simply about ending the relationship because it’s important to understand why you’ve chosen it, and what you’re getting from it, otherwise you’ll just jump into another one. The relationship is a symbol for how much value you believe you have. Thinking the person you’re dating will suddenly wake up and become available is a disappointment you’re setting yourself up for. Even if they leave their partner for you, your relationship will be based in attachment and emotionally unavailability. The first step to letting go is to stop resisting where you are. Nothing will change until you decide to stop fighting. Focus on yourself and look at the feelings you’re avoiding. Remember—it’s about you and where YOU are emotionally unavailable. Acknowledging that will put you a step closer to understanding how you got here, and how you can let go.

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2 thoughts on “#245- Journey of Attachment: Dating Someone Who’s in Another Relationship

  1. Pamela - April 25, 2018 at 2:49 pm

    You are awesome! I’m a anxious avoidant and my ex is a avoidant. I have tried to have a intimate friendship with him and he started dating 4 months ago. He pulled the rug out from me in August and I have wanted to continue a connection because I felt we have similar pain and that I can be there for him. I divorced my whole family and am doing the work to heal. He is in a trapped controlling situation with his mom. Also, he is the only child, Mama’s boy. They controlled his future and money with the family business. He said he wishes his mother was dead, and then deny it. Blames mom for smoking pot every waking hour to numb himself. He feels trapped in his situation and said he felt trapped with me.
    He has dated 4 woman and I now feel I need to walk away and now work on this relationship ending and growing from it. I am 50 and I am willing to do more work. I just feel I am contstantly working through the family stuff with alanon and books and now getting as much information I can on this relationship. I never felt this intensity with someone before. I question whether it is love or attachment.. know now attachment. I think and analyze us all the time. You are great and I am going to listen to more of your podcasts. You are dead on!!

    • Tracy - May 10, 2018 at 9:30 pm

      Hey Pamela,
      I am just seeing your comment here. I am thrilled you found my podcasts, as I cover a lot of what you are talking about in them. Attachment can make you believe horses have wings! I lived there and it became so much about getting my emotional stuff in order. (I had no idea for years how I was contributing to my love life looking how it did–I thought the universe just brought me these people and I had no choice. 🙂 It is a hard path, but so rewarding when you get to the other side. Thank you for sharing here. XOXOX


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